Hate and other crap not withstanding

Thank you to the more than 4000 people who have taken time to write me. with support. I vow to do my best to keep trying to answer every one of your mails. I'm more that two thirds caught up, and really want everyone still waiting to know I WILL give you back what you gave me, and that is the precious gift of personal contact ... I needed you, and I owe you.

We now have a very good lead on who the blackmailer is. Apparently she's been a successful blackmailer before. LOL, and I thought I was a jealous individual. IO can't even begin to hold a card to this gal. But you know what, I can't hold a grudge. I'm surprised as heck, since I never really bothered her at all - and really only ever tried to suck up when all things are considered - and pretty much dissapeared from her sphere or influence with virtually no struggle once she made me an issue .... Yes, I know, what goes around comes around, I had it coming, .... and you know what, when it comes to spanking forum politics and crimes, as it stands now, I've paid in spades and then some. I've watched my choices set in motion and inevitable tide and watched helplessly and in pain while my desperate, needy world was blown apart, and I've had to accept the loss of friends I really valued. If I was the only one who offered up embellished realities out of lonely realities, I'd be OK with the villification. I'm not though & if there is anyone on earth who knows this intimately, it is the woman who is blackmailing me .. not to mention her source.

A photo of my home, some carefully dropped names and a very cold threat worked to destroy this blog. You WON!!!!!!!

Even so, more than a month later, the statistics show that more than 2,000 people visit here everyday just through key word searches; a huge drop from the 6,000 - 8,000 a day before I "deleted' myself. I can no more dissapear from the internet "as if I never existed" than I can keep from farting in the morning after eating a bag full of cashew nuts. On August 18, 2006, the 2 year anniversary of CSW my counter hit more than fivemillion fivehundred thousand unique visitors. It was a very lonely day. I'd earned it, but couldn't celebrate it.

Well, I know who you are, and so does the FBI and my attorney. GRIN! And you know that we know who you are. I have NOT committed ANY actual crime, but YOU HAVE! Wanna have a pissing contest over that? LOLOLOL???? I gave all of the particulars of my so called crime to CS1, the FBI and my local DA and have been assured that I am NOT guilty of any deliberate fraud and am not in jeapardy of being prosecuted, while YOU are guilty of deliberate premediated blackmail and harrassment, and you used the US mail to perpetrate it.

I know you have no ethics. I know who you are remember, and so do the people who told me and my friends who you are. You're a very jealous woman. Duh... like anyone should be surprised!!!!! Your history damns you. Wanna go to every shadowlane party and be known on every forum outright for who you are, a woman who is so jealous and bitter that she used blackmail to try and eliminate two people from their little lives on line by threateneing cruel devastation if not out right destruction of personal life, livelihood among other things. I'm not your 1st target. That puts you in a whole other category of criminal gal. You CAN't stay anonymous and remain credible, Come out to prattle your venom about me to my employer and you are immediately out to the FBI & DA. Once you give positive ID, no matter who you try and convince to do it for you, ISP's, phone numbers and names will be demanded. You said try me in your cruel blackmail USP mail. Naw, you're trying enough.

For those of you looking for CSW content, I'm so sorry I have to rebuild it. I promise to do it though. I promise no matter what.

For now, wanna just visit... try my new blog or if you just want my art try my new gallery.

I'm working on a pure story site & a pure art site.... and a ne blog....

I love y'all. I really do.

Why did I close? Can you really be there for me?????

Creative spanked wife closed due to blackmail. When I came home from Houston a few weeks ago I found a priority mail in my mail box outside along with the regular stuff that comes in. It came from Cleveland Ohio and right away felt wrong. It had a computer printed label but ordinary, ‘buy at the counter stamps,’ I opened it and discovered not just a recent photo of my home, but a blackmail letter. The letter was typical of the obsessed vitriol that has been the content of handful of truly hateful comments and e-mail.

• "You are a blight – a toxic human being being filled with lies, cruelty, and deceit. And on July 21, this will end. Period.
  
  Here is what you are going to do: On July 21 you are going to disappear from the internet. Completely. You will close your blog completely without comment and take it down completely. You will not discuss it with friends on the newsgroups or anyone else. You will not start another blog or visit another newsgroup, or publish a story. It will be as if you never existed.
  
  I cover this area very completely everyday. If I get any indication in any way that you have continued as a presence on the internet, I will mail two packets."
  
  "In those packets will be a complete printed out version of your blog. With explicit details about your alcoholism – how you faked a child’s death" [Bull shit, I relived a very traumatic memory on it’s anniversary and embellished details so you would think better of what happened and protect my ego from the guilt of the reality] … "collected money for it" … [again bullshit – a collection was made against my firmly stated wishes]I was prohibited from knowing who donated & therefore could not make restitution. The money was sent to an old paypal account used to buy stuff and bid on e-bay. Once there, unable to return it to donors, I donated all of it to charities. I have since more than quadrupled that donation. I’m getting real sick of this arrogant bogus accusation of my having committed internet fraud. I’ve spoken to two DA’s in two jurisdictions, an FBI investigator, IC3, and the local PD. I am not guilty of any crime!!!!! get over your selfrighteous garbage. PLEASE!!!!!
  
  Etc etc … The threat includes making sure to add posts about things I said about my job. Things that were said using “most foul language.” Things said during maximal stress & things that will be seen for the legitimate insecurities and frustrations they represented at the time.

These blackmail mailings according to the blackmailer will ostensibly go to the CEO where I work, and also to the President and Chairman of the board of the corporation. In addition an ethics complaint will be called in, and I will be reported to IC3 – the internet crimes watchdog site.

Well, here’s the way things are now. I communicated explicitly with IC3. Their response was to tell me to go to my local PD as I was not the criminal, had nothing to fear from prosecution, and that now I was the victim\ of a more serious crime. I called/ emailed two attorneys, one from Kink aware professionals & one “Employment Law” specialist from this area. Both of them said go to the cops – USPS inspectors, FBI and the local DA, take my pick, but do it.

I took their advice, and at first got very discouraged. Yes, I am the victim of a crime, but catching the person committing this blackmail represents a very resource intensive process for agencies with limited resources. Unless they come out and say who they are it could take months or longer to track them. So, I’m under immediate threat here, what if they follow through and I’m fired? So, I closed the blog.

Here's another reality. If they follow through they’ll have to lay themselves wide open. Processes exist to require positive ID in order to protect citizens and employees against malicious acts like this one being threatened against me. No matter what an individual’s personal feelings may be about me, the fact that they have committed blackmail to instill terror, and taken steps to threaten my livelihood, places them in a whole different category of crime and criminal intent than anything I may have accidentally tripped over. The fact that they didn't just send one letter to my home, but a week later duplicated that letter including the phote and sent it to me at work, fully illustrates a degree of cruelty and malice that I have never dreamt of never mind been guilty of.

After long soul searching, I decided that if I’ve come out with the damning truths to my readers already, I had very little left to lose. My goal is to get clean. Find my free voice and be able to just be the person I wish I hadn’t hid from way back at the beginning. I’m still very insecure and pretty darned isolated and alone, but I don’t hate me quite so much for the moment.

This past Monday, I went to my Human Resources department and laid the cards on the table. I shared the blackmail, the donations, my confessions about sharing a fictionalized life on line. And the fact that I’d acquired enemies because of it and that now one of those enemies was threatening me with outing of all the lurid details to every level of the organization. Our meeting was one of those life moments that take your breath away.

The HR Director already knew about my blog, and shared with me that it is far from a secret within the organization, especially among my middle management peers. I had NO clue! They (several – 7 that I now know of) have known about it for well over a year. I felt a kind of trepidation hearing that, but then an overwhelming sense of relaxation set in. They know! They’ve known for a while, and yet everyone of them interact with me professionally with hardly a hiccup. They listen to me, take my input, seek my input and respect it. Recent scrutiny of my managerial ethics passed a serious and thorough investigation. These folks knew my blog was fictionalized and not real time for more than a year before I disclosed it to y’all and they hugged me, chatted to me, bickered with me and worked side by side with me everyday without ever passing judgment. It has blown me away, and I now feel a very special obligation to my co-workers. A need to repay a level of acceptance that I never thought was possible. They still see me as a capable professional and valuable member of their team in-spite of my lonely weaknesses and sexual uniqueness. I feel blessed beyond words. Now the tables are turned. They don't know I know that they know.

Who knows what the very high ups in this company will think. It’s all up to faith now. I have handed my life over to the local leadership team. The HR Director has contacted the attorneys we use most where dicey employee issues are involved, they will ultimately advise me about what’s next.

I’ll turn over the original blackmail letter, and the second one sent to me at work exactly a week later to the FBI. I’ll formalize the request for a formal investigation. My company will be required to turn over all communications related to the case. Two simultaneous determinations will ensue:
1. Am I an ethical enough person to remain employed
2. Has this blackmailer crossed a line that WILL result in mandatory jail time? My livelihood has been threatened and any possible revenue from this blog has been destroyed … Extortion is also a potential element. As far as I know destroying my income was this person’s primary threat, so far it isn’t known if this was a pay site owner who has a fiscal interest in closing blogs like mine filled with extensive free content, or if it was just someone who wants me to hurt.

Frankly, while I care, because I’ve invested decades into getting to where I am professionally and try to excel at what I do even when I’ve been super stressed, I have been devastated and personally exploring that a few hopelessly lonely, needy personal choices has put everything, my economic, professional, personal and emotional security at risk.

My professional life has been the anchor that kept me alive and real for these last few years. When I get up and check the PC no matter the virtual stress, off I go to real life, where I live for 8 – 12 hours. Real life takes over and I meet all the requirements needed to keep up. I work my ass off in fact to get stuff done. My real working life is so not my secret lonely frightening pain filled life.

I just wanted friends, recognition, acceptance, and when that wasn’t enough, I entered initially virtual lives and became friends with a small handful of people, and while there, I know I gave as much if not more than I took. I’ve paid past due mortgage payments for strangers, fixed car transmissions, bought ‘go visit other spankos’ airline tickets & sent birthday, holiday and anniversary gifts to spankos on 3 continents. I’ve also sent huge ‘last for a week’ food hampers’ to couples facing family troubles on at least 4 occassions. Even though out of fear and lonely secrets, I could not have most of those people know the real me, I was, or tried to be their friend. I listened, I supported, I gave and yeah OK I also leaned. When I was living real demons I leaned. The friendships were real, and I was real as someone who loved and deeply cared about them living next door. Except for personal contact, I gave them every single possible support, the truth about my reality was the only secret I kept from them. I gave and have always given from the deepest corners of my soul never mind the economic offerings. I’ve never begrudged or even dared ask for like in return.

So Blackmailer, you said “If you doubt me test me.” I’m not testing you, I’m calling you out. Expose yourself as you must inevitably (and probably ALREADY have). Let’s just see whose most guilty of felony crimes now.

Your vindictive arrogance is what it is.

Do it! Not only is the company I work for expecting your vitriol, so is the FBI. Outing real lives online is just not OK. That fundamental understanding and acceptance puts you at a severe disadvantage when it comes to credibility especially because I have already laid out the critical warts & demons fully. Do IT!!!! The FBI & both offices are watching for your shit.

Do it! Get me fired for being a lonely human being with a spanking fetish and a significant talent insights into the motives and needs and for for writing about it. Do it! Destroy me for being lonely Do it! Ruin me for lies that support an illusory me in an illusory world where my primary need was acceptance and there is NO evidence that any other persona are any less illusory than mine.

You know what, I don’t care anymore how much you (generic message to all who feel this sentiment now) hate me. The vehemence of it and the fact that you (the blackmailer) have committed a federal crime with two separate mailings via USPS and that this crime is far and a way more serious than the one you accuse me of illustrates so much about you.

If you really want to destroy me, you will have to provide positive ID. When you do your blackmail attempt is on file and will be immediately linked.

I’m not hiding any more OK. I am the liar I admit to being, no more hiding from it.

While there are many legitimate explanations for choices made in all aspects of my memberships of groups I was seen to be part of, the bottom line fact is I NEVER once, NOT even ONE time EVER made a membership decision for any other person on any forum or group. I’ve never deleted nor advocated deletion of any member on any site ever! Yup I’ve been blamed & accused of it countless times, but I’ve never done it, on or off line. In fact more than once I have advocated FOR reinstatement of members, even the member who I fear is behind the current hate campaign against me.

Will I be employed next month? I don’t know … anyone got a good internet spanking/sex related job that pays more than 70,000 a year in case???? Will the blackmailer recognize their own –mistakes and vulnerability and try to let me just be the person I’ve tried to be post confession? or ... Will they fly in the face of their stupid crime, escalate it and attack me face on?

Gawd. Who knows. The pain has convinced me CSW has to close. I am so very sorry that that is as it stands now.

Even so. I wish I could restore what was here. I backed it up, but it won’t re-migrate back for some reason. I know that google’s cache has preserved even the 30 posts I started to delete before giving up & deleting the whole blog.

NOTE to blackmailer … I have no control of google cache or any other saved posted stuff archive. I deleted my blog in good faith and replaced it with a generic image and text. In time (who knows the internet's time lines) all links to CSW will replace to this last page. Can I make my dissolution happen faster? Hell, you tell me. People want my art & they want my writing. They will keep typing critical key words that find the cache.

It is way, way, way, past time to move on.

You’ve destroyed a huge part of online life for me. I can’t share openly or even dream freely for anyone anymore.

Yes, I fully admit that this blog was removed out of fear of personal, economic and professional reprisal.